Confessions from a pharmaceutical researcher.

I work as a low level researcher in R&D department of a major pharmaceutical company, and after browsing some SJW and conspiracy blogs on tumblr for the past couple months, it’s come to my attention that the SJW holds some major misconceptions about the pharmaceutical industry and what I do.  So in the spirit of goodwill and greater understanding, I’ve decided to post my daily schedule and research goals online to alleviate your concerns:

8:00-8:15 am:  Arrive at work and wake up.  I’m usually exhausted after spending my entire morning commute with my legs wide open.  

8:15-9:30 am:  Obscure the connection between vaccines and autism through technical jargon to help sell my companies products.  

9:30-9:35 am:  Shake my fist ruefully at that disgraced quack and the woman from Singled-Out, who have set “people who actually care about public health” back a century.  Send a thousand pizzas to their homes.  

9:35-10:25 am: Finish up producing autism causing vaccines, check email.

10:30-11:00 am:  Torture an animal for no good reason.  

11:00-12:30 pm:  Work on our deadly genetically altered crops; because using modern molecular techniques to develop high producing, drought resistant plants for the third world is somehow evil.  

12:30-1:15 pm:  Sloppy Joe day at the cafeteria.  

1:30-2:30 pm:  Meeting.  Mansplain my results to female colleagues.  

2:45-3:00 pm:  Torture another animal for no reason.  Because we’re bad people.

3:00-4:00 pm:  Hide the cure for cancer: Because its really that simple.  It’s not as if the oncology research community is working on hundreds of different types of cancers with their own unique pathology and responses to treatment.  Nope!  It’s all just one magical, silver bullet type cure that treats all of them (even pancreatic cancer).  And we’re hiding it.  For profit.  

4:30-5:30 pm:  Hide the cure for cancer:  It’s not as if the oncology research community is made up of thousands of companies, colleges and hospitals working in open collaboration.  So hypothetically, it’s not as if multiple members of 100,000’s of researchers would stumble on the same magical cure-all cancer treatment and aggressively pursue it.  Nope!  We just keep it in a vault instead of releasing to the public for lots of money and goodwill because it’s profitable for some reason.  Yup.


5:30-6:00 pm:  Hide the cure for cancer:  You know what?  Fine, Agent Mulder.  If you’re smart enough to uncover this “conspiracy”, than you’re more than smart enough to roll up your sleeves and find that magical, silver bullet cure.  Seriously, here.  You can even use my hood and cell cultures.  Enjoy the all the long hours, disappointment and low pay that comes with being researcher.  …Jackass.

6:00-6:15 pm:  Scroll through the SJW and conspiratard pages of tumblr.  Tent fingers.  Laugh maniacally.  

6:30-8:00 pm:  Yoga/Pilates.  

8:30 pm:  Return to my mansion purchased with ill gotten gains.